The Morning After

Today feels like one of those days, you know what I mean. You met up with some friends yesterday, had perhaps one (ok, let’s be honest-many) more than you should have. And while you were at it, did some things you probably shouldn’t have. Now, you’re having what I call an OMG moment.

First, comes the shock and horror when the reality of what happened dawns on you. Next, comes shame and embarrassment. Will your friends remember it? Will they bring it up? What will you say if they do? Right now, you would do just about anything to take it all back. Then, reality checks in-What’s done is done.  And finally, you find yourself at a decision point. The defining moment that separates the men from the boys, as they say.

Today, I find myself in an OMG moment. The euphoria and energy of the past two weeks has been sucked out of me. I feel totally deflated. Too many questions I don’t have the answers to. The uncertainty of my decision weighs me down like a stone. People ask me, why did you back down? To this I say: I learned a long time ago, to choose my battles wisely and only go into those I know I can win. To continue this one would have been suicidal at best, knowing that my fellow soldiers were no longer with me. So I chose to bow out while I had the chance; cut my losses and run.

I am now at my decision point. I must decide how to deal with this and move forward. In order to do that, I feel I need to regroup on a personal level. I need to remind myself why I chose to do this in the first place. Did I achieve what I set out to do? If yes, how much? If not, what remains to be done and how can I do it? What have I lost? What have I gained?

One thing you must understand about the doctors’ union is that it is a very diverse group. This essentially means that out of the 13 points on our petition, each of us had one which we felt more strongly about. For me, that was improvement of healthcare and the enslavement of specialists in training.

My fellow residents are now at their lowest. To taste the feeling that things could be better and have that hope taken away, is even worse than never having it in the first place. To you who sacrificed so much, it seems so unfair that you go back to the same system you tried so hard to change. It’s hard to process the raw emotion-bitterness, betrayal, resignation. And for Wanjiku, disappointment. The thought that people have to continue enduring the pathetic state of our health facilities is depressing.

Decision time. I must put my emotions aside, sort through the mess and find the gains that will help me achieve what I set out to do. During this process, we have been brought together under a legal entity that now enables us to engage the powers that be to petition for our grievances to be heard. I have managed in my own little way to sensitise the public about healthcare issues. I have established networks with great minds whom I can now share ideas with.

I am glad to have interacted with these people; some of whom I have never met in person but I feel like we have become great friends. Others remain acquaintances but I am happy in the knowledge that more is yet to come. One of these friends once said to me, your strategy is just as important as your agenda. Now that militancy has failed, it’s time for a change in strategy. Friends, we now have a forum for advocacy.  Question is, will you use it; or will you walk away? Simply put, will you be a man; or will you remain a boy?